Dear S

Dear S,

It's been long since I sat down to write a letter to you. I love writing long never ending string of words that could fill tens of pages. Hope this one too will be as myself and the mirror of my thoughts as I intend them to be. Hope you will read with as much enthusiasm and love as you always have. Hope this thing will never change about us.

I have downloaded a writing app from Google play store in my MotoG where I am typing this now. I am in office and am bored. Just me in my solitude. No, I don't have much work to do today, if you wonder. It's tough to get through a phase of free hours suddenly after months of hectic unending work. So I chose to write to you after having exhausted all my options of reading, browsing and studying.

I look forward to having coffee with you some day, or tea if you prefer that. Or we could take an evening stroll around your colony as we always did in the past, and talk and talk endlessly for hours. Topics would flow in and ceaselessly change from one thing to the next- from silly matters to days of yore to more spiritual things about life ahead. We could share our philosophies and sensibilities about so many issues. We could talk of worldly affairs. I want to talk so much.

I found a quote while reading blogs, it did speak to me on a certain level. I would like to share it with you.

"I must be myself. I cannot break myself any longer for you, for anyone else. If you can love me for what I am, we shall be happier. If you cannot, I will still seek to deserve that you should. I must be myself. I will not hide my tastes or my aversions. I will so trust that what is deep is holy, that I will do strongly before the sun and moon whatever only rejoices me and the heart appoints. If you are noble, I will love you; if you are not, I will not hurt you and myself by hypocritical attentions. "- Ralph Waldo Emerson

You had asked me if I had decided on what I wanted to do in my life. I had said that I didn't know. You reprimanded me on saying that, and emphasized that I needed to think of the future, what I wanted in my life. I couldn't give you an answer then. Now I want to answer that question, with all my heart and soul.

I want to do that which makes me feel 'Me' and fills me with overwhelming joy, bliss and happiness. That which is not just an ideal thing to do according to my near and dear ones, but that which I should do to live my life to the fullest. And what is that, you ask? The list is endless, you know that more than anyone else. And I am not saying of any childish daydreams, I am perfectly serious. It may not seem practical or viable, but I want to do all that I have in that secret list in this lifetime. How would I start, you ask? I don't have any idea, yet. And not knowing isn't a crime. Not having a future plan isn't a crime. I am taking small steps towards it.

An article in Elephant journal taught me the gift of not knowing what shall come next. And the beauty of not having a plan for life. For living mindfully in the Now and making the full use of it rather than stressing about the future.

Seth in Marie forleo show taught me the futileness of searching for the one passion that you have, stressing over it, and just doing what you can at this moment. Don't stress for perfection, perfect passion, perfect career, perfect life. Just do what is there right now with your best effort. IT is that for me. I do love coding, it's like playing a puzzle in solitude, and the learning process is great. What is not good is my people skills and the manipulation and the hypocrisy- which can be found anywhere. Another video on passion in my laptop said it all happens for a reason. All if it around us. All our connections. I want to just have hope, and keep on going, doing and working on what I can for now.

And many influential people I know have made several career changes at different ages and are so happy for it. There's never a time limit to do anything that you love to.

I can't take a decision about higher studies right now. But I promise to study. I will try for it- the exam. It's because I am confused if I want it that way or not. Many what ifs keep ringing in my mind. May be I want one in a completely different field- like say literature. I don't know. May be I want many different experiences as hobbies or short term indulgences, and one job to support it all. I am not sure.

You know why I write things down in such details. Writing about things gives me a sense of clarity, a sense of what I have in my subconscious mind. It reveals so many things that I sometimes didn't know about myself. I can't understand the plethora of emotions and thoughts without writing them down. And a reader like you is an added bonus.

I will save for taking those writer's grooming courses you mentioned earlier. Till now I have not saved anything for myself- all were used for loan repayments. I will also save for travel. I want to travel a lot. Everywhere. I will start saving for these dreams.

Till our next meet,
Bye and Take care.

Your confused bestie

Linking the post to #UBC , and #DailyChatter.

Like what you read?


Queeristan by Parmesh Sahani

  Queeristan (Amazon Link) Thanks to Audible Free Trial I listened to this amazing non-fiction on LGBTQ inclusion in Indian workplaces. Author Parmesh Sahani identifies as gay Indian, working closely with Godrej higher management and employees for years to create an inclusive workplace, both legally and in spirit. This book is a result of those years of experience, research, collaboration with individuals from difference spectrum of the society and organizations who has successfully transitioned into a queer friendly one.   Indian history is inclusive. From the Khajuraho temple architectures, to Konark to the Rig Veda, there is existing proofs even 2000 years ago of Indian inclusiveness of queer. It’s the draconian British law that criminalised it, which was scraped in 2009, came into effect once again following a sad judgement in 2013 and eventually was scraped off for good in 2018. I am in awe of the lawyers who fought this legal battle- colleagues and partners – Arundhati Katju

Popular posts from this blog

The One To Leave First

Empress Ki : A story of an epic scale


When Breathe Becomes Air

E[x]ploring Odia Literature Through 'Punyatoya'

Burst That Ego If You Want Genuine Connections In Life

The Baztan Trilogy