#MondayMusings : Homesick For Another World

Homesick For Another World

Have you ever felt a yearning for something you can’t even define? A keen longing for something you can’t pinpoint even when you are in abundance of everything you want or need. 

A dull ache deep in the heart for something beyond your comprehension. A desire you are not aware of. A pain that has not got its due attention. Some grief, not expressed, perhaps. Something. Homesick perhaps, even in the comfort of your own home, amidst the love of your family. Homesick for another world?

Being eternally homesick

It is a feeling that I have long searched meaning for. I have felt this time and again. Mostly while traveling to new places, leaving back known faces, and saying goodbyes, whenever the canvas of life looms large over me- the miniscule human. What am I but a tiny dot in the vast expanse of universe and time? A strange energy fills me, mostly in moments that I realize would become precious memories of numerous tomorrows. I get goosebumps as the vibes take over and it is as if Life descends into my very being.

I watch, I see, I feel and I miss. I can’t let go. It’s as if something beautiful is passing, is in creation and I am seeing it happen- the process and realizing that it’s not tangible. It is not capturable, it’s just a feeling, and I know it will pass. Reality will come in any moment now. Practicality will enter any second.

Last time I felt this was just a week ago. I and my best friend were traveling to attend a dear school friend’s wedding. Years pass so quickly. Memories of schooling and play times were just so fresh. While returning too I felt that same passing sentiment. It is as a part and parcel of my very being. It makes its presence felt whenever I am nostalgic or spiritually overwhelmed. Transcendence?

Home is not a place- It’s a person.

It’s like we are born on this planet to reach out to so many lives through the years. Some connections are just meant to happen. You are just meant to meet the person who would play a major role in your life.  Or when you are in need that person meant to help you would pass right by. Strange are the ways of life.

And there are some people whom you would yearn to meet again. But you are never meant to meet them ever again in this lifetime. Life has strange mysteries. It plays out in stranger ways. You have no control over life. Or death for that matter. You might be thanking the Gods that someone at least exists in this very world you thrive in, while he might be long dead. And you, oblivious of his demise might live a happy life of least expectation.

Home is passing. Make sure you have your stay.

How many times have you felt something special when you met someone, but then had to let go as the time was not right, or the acquaintance was brief or things in your opinion were not meant to be? Or just that you thought you were not ready? How many times have you stopped yourself from talking to someone your eyes played hide and seek with because you didn’t want to seem too interested? How many times have you made yourself seem unapproachable to the other person wanting to bare his heart’s tales? How many times have you made him turn the other way, sad and disheartened without a chance to say how he felt, by your steel beliefs and stoic looks? 

How many times have you let love, genuine love pass you by while you were looking the other way cribbing about life and other monotonous things? How many times have you looked in the mirror and chastised yourself for the lack of courage to look just right in his eye? How many times have you wallowed in self pity, “I have no stories to talk about in my best friend’s next pajama party.” You don’t let stories happen. You don’t let people in. Afraid of things being anything less than perfect- your bookish imagination of perfect.

Home shifts places as Life happens

While some of my friends are getting engaged, some are getting married, and some are sharing awesome love lives with their adorable partners, I am still trying to come to terms with life and my Facebook wall which is full of congratulatory messages. My can’t help but think why my life has no story- love story to be specific. Why was I so closed that love just couldn’t enter the high rise walls? Now at this stage, dealing with the quarter life crisis of a perhaps failed attempt to reinstate a career, or define my goals, when my peers are moving onward and forward both in their professional and personal lives, I feel lonely more than ever.

I miss so many people. For me it’s very easy to miss people. Friends. Acquaintances. Buddies. Loving someone is the easiest and the most accessible emotion, but I also tend to hide or dismiss it the most. Life of a philophobic. I fear having my own baby any time in life. The thought of having no way out of loving someone so much, beyond anything I have ever known, scares me to death.

Home is perhaps a calling

Sometimes not knowing what I seek drives me crazy. I feel like an idiot bulldozing around in life, spear heading things that don’t really matter to me, championing projects I don’t care about, studying my ass off for some national examination I, perhaps, don’t have the right aptitude for, just so I could be respected by my parents, relatives and society in general. I don’t know what I am doing. Where I am headed to, what I am made for.

But then there’s this thought- why should I rush? Let’s take things slowly, just breath for a few days, then take on new ventures and learn from failures. Figuring out what we actually seek is a lifelong process after all.

But I do feel like an alien in this planet. I feel like I was born in the wrong era, wrong age, wrong time. I feel like I belong somewhere else, where I don’t have any freaking idea about. I feel homesick. Forever I shall perhaps remain homesick. Homesick for another world. Another timeline, dimension or whatever you want to call it.

Home has been elusive. I hope I’d find my home soon.

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Linking this with #MondayMusings by Corinne of EverydayGyaan.

Linking up this post with #mg Mackenzie Glanville

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Queeristan by Parmesh Sahani

  Queeristan (Amazon Link) Thanks to Audible Free Trial I listened to this amazing non-fiction on LGBTQ inclusion in Indian workplaces. Author Parmesh Sahani identifies as gay Indian, working closely with Godrej higher management and employees for years to create an inclusive workplace, both legally and in spirit. This book is a result of those years of experience, research, collaboration with individuals from difference spectrum of the society and organizations who has successfully transitioned into a queer friendly one.   Indian history is inclusive. From the Khajuraho temple architectures, to Konark to the Rig Veda, there is existing proofs even 2000 years ago of Indian inclusiveness of queer. It’s the draconian British law that criminalised it, which was scraped in 2009, came into effect once again following a sad judgement in 2013 and eventually was scraped off for good in 2018. I am in awe of the lawyers who fought this legal battle- colleagues and partners – Arundhati Katju

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