#MondayMusings : Homesick For Another World
Have you ever felt a yearning for something you can’t even define?
A keen longing for something you can’t pinpoint even when you are in abundance
of everything you want or need.
A dull ache deep in the heart for something beyond your comprehension.
A desire you are not aware of. A pain that has not got its due attention.
Some grief, not expressed, perhaps. Something. Homesick perhaps, even in the
comfort of your own home, amidst the love of your family. Homesick for another
world?
Being
eternally homesick
It is a feeling that I have long searched meaning for. I
have felt this time and again. Mostly while traveling to new places, leaving back
known faces, and saying goodbyes, whenever the canvas of life looms large over me-
the miniscule human. What am I but a tiny dot in the vast expanse
of universe and time? A strange energy fills me, mostly in moments that
I realize would become precious memories of numerous tomorrows. I get
goosebumps as the vibes take over and it is as if Life descends into my very being.
I watch, I see, I feel and I miss. I can’t let go. It’s as if
something beautiful is passing, is in creation and I am seeing it happen- the
process and realizing that it’s not tangible. It is not capturable, it’s just a
feeling, and I know it will pass. Reality will come in any moment now. Practicality
will enter any second.
Last time I felt this was just a week ago. I and my best
friend were traveling to attend a dear school friend’s wedding. Years pass so
quickly. Memories of schooling and play times were just so fresh. While
returning too I felt that same passing sentiment. It is as a part and parcel of my
very being. It makes its presence felt whenever I am nostalgic or spiritually
overwhelmed. Transcendence?
Home is not
a place- It’s a person.
It’s like we are born on this planet to reach out to so many
lives through the years. Some connections are just meant to happen.
You are just meant to meet the person who would play a major role in your life.
Or when you are in need that person meant
to help you would pass right by. Strange are the ways of life.
And there are some people whom you would yearn to meet
again. But you are never meant to meet them ever again in this lifetime. Life
has strange mysteries. It plays out in stranger ways. You have no
control over life. Or death for that matter. You might be thanking the Gods
that someone at least exists in this very world you thrive in, while he might
be long dead. And you, oblivious of his demise might live a happy life of least
expectation.
Home is
passing. Make sure you have your stay.
How many times have you felt something special when you met someone,
but then had to let go as the time was not right, or the acquaintance was brief
or things in your opinion were not meant to be? Or just that you
thought you were not ready? How many times have you stopped yourself from
talking to someone your eyes played hide and seek with because you didn’t want
to seem too interested? How many times have you made yourself seem unapproachable
to the other person wanting to bare his heart’s tales? How many times have you
made him turn the other way, sad and disheartened without a chance to say how
he felt, by your steel beliefs and stoic looks?
How many times have you let love,
genuine love pass you by while you were looking the other way cribbing about
life and other monotonous things? How many times have you looked in the
mirror and chastised yourself for the lack of courage to look just right in his
eye? How many times have you wallowed in self pity, “I have no stories to talk
about in my best friend’s next pajama party.” You don’t let stories happen. You
don’t let people in. Afraid of things being anything less than perfect-
your bookish imagination of perfect.
Home shifts
places as Life happens
While some of my friends are getting engaged, some are
getting married, and some are sharing awesome love lives with their adorable
partners, I am still trying to come to terms with life and my Facebook wall which
is full of congratulatory messages. My can’t help but think why my life has no
story- love story to be specific. Why was I so closed that love just couldn’t
enter the high rise walls? Now at this stage, dealing with the quarter
life crisis of a perhaps failed attempt to reinstate a career, or define my
goals, when my peers are moving onward and forward both in their professional
and personal lives, I feel lonely more than ever.
I miss so many people. For me it’s very easy to miss people. Friends.
Acquaintances. Buddies. Loving someone is the easiest and the most accessible emotion,
but I also tend to hide or dismiss it the most. Life of a philophobic. I fear having my own baby any time in life. The
thought of having no way out of loving someone so much, beyond anything I have
ever known, scares me to death.
Home is
perhaps a calling
Sometimes not knowing what I seek drives me crazy. I feel like
an idiot bulldozing around in life, spear heading things that don’t really matter
to me, championing projects I don’t care about, studying my ass off for some national examination I, perhaps, don’t have the right aptitude for, just so I could be respected by
my parents, relatives and society in general. I don’t know what I am doing.
Where I am headed to, what I am made for.
But then there’s this thought- why should I rush? Let’s take
things slowly, just breath for a few days, then take on new ventures and learn
from failures. Figuring out what we actually seek is a lifelong process after all.
But I do feel like an alien in this planet. I feel like I
was born in the wrong era, wrong age, wrong time. I feel like I belong somewhere
else, where I don’t have any freaking idea about. I feel homesick. Forever I
shall perhaps remain homesick. Homesick for another world. Another
timeline, dimension or whatever you want to call it.
Home has been elusive. I hope I’d find my home soon.
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Linking this with #MondayMusings by Corinne of EverydayGyaan.
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