Connecting the Dots

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Arjun (Siddharth Malhotra) was asked by Tia(Alia Bhatt) what would be the one line that he would leave for the world- the line on his tombstone for people to read and remember him. ‘Akhri baar likh raha hun, hosake toh kahani yaad rakhna’- ‘Here I am writing for the last time, if possible do remember my story,’ was Arjun’s reply. We wanted to create magic with his words, write novels, and fulfill this one true passion.

Yesterday we had a project party after watching ‘Udta Punjab’ at Inox. While interacting with one of the team mates, with whom I had worked for a couple of months, I got to know about her passion. She painted, had so many beautiful canvases in her collection. I had no idea about it. She had held an art exhibition in Odisha with a friend and had also participated in international art exhibitions held in Hyderabad. So damn impressive! On being asked since when she pursued this passion of hers so seriously, she replied it was just a few years that she realized she should take her hobby to the next level.

A few days back, I was sitting on my bed, reclining on the wall and crying incessantly in solitude, wondering about the course my life is taking and whether I like it or not. I was confused about what I want in life, what I need to do. I still am trying to figure it out. I read all the inspirational quotes on my facebook wall, read numerous motivational blogs to uplift my mood. They say when you hit the very rock bottom, the only way is to rise up. Have I hit the bottommost pit yet? No, not yet. They say, do not search for your passion, all you need to have in life is just within you. You actually know what you passion is, what it is that you want in life, you are just not ready to accept it yet, for the fear that you might not deserve it or for the fear of the society. Do I know what I want? How much more deep can I delve?

My best friend left for Delhi yesterday, to prepare for the NET exam. She’s done with her Postgraduate and wants to do a Ph.D. here or abroad. She is clear about her life’s goals and very determined to pursue it. Ever since I have known her, that is more than half of my life (about fifteen years), she had always wanted to teach for a living and for social work. So many years have passed by, but only making her resolve stronger. I am so happy for her and pray she does realize her dreams one day.

My sister tells me that she feels like I am a girl in a YA novel at times, one who is simple, average in every way and then suddenly her entire life changes, she’s thrown into adversity that makes her realize her actual strengths long hidden from her own person. Well, my sister is just sixteen. So you know. I know to bring a change in my life is in my hands. I hold the key to my future. It is up to me how I frame every day, how I write on every blank page. I know. But do I know what I want my future to be like? Not sure. Let’s just concentrate on the present for now.

So many people, so many aspirations! I am lost in others’ aspirations. Who am I? What is the purpose of my life? What is my role on earth? Am I doing anything which I was born for? I wonder. I wonder multiple times a day. Watching TED talks and Marie Forleo shows helps immensely in clearing my head.

Last week I had come across a Greek word ‘Meraki’ in Privy’s blog post.  It means the soul, creativity, or love put into something; the essence of yourself that is put into your work. I want to do things that are just with enough Meraki so that one can behold me in my works. I want to do everything with my entire heart and soul, with my entire being.  So here I am, addressing my insecurities, putting my thoughts out in the open, voicing my vulnerabilities. The universe is indeed conspiring, something or the other, to let me know it cares. Hope time will answer all these questions and take care of every confusion.  


  1. And today: 26th July, 2018, I can connect these dots. Looking back at what life has been and the decisions that led me here. This realization is such a cathartic experience. Sitting in my room here in Dehradun.


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Queeristan by Parmesh Sahani

  Queeristan (Amazon Link) Thanks to Audible Free Trial I listened to this amazing non-fiction on LGBTQ inclusion in Indian workplaces. Author Parmesh Sahani identifies as gay Indian, working closely with Godrej higher management and employees for years to create an inclusive workplace, both legally and in spirit. This book is a result of those years of experience, research, collaboration with individuals from difference spectrum of the society and organizations who has successfully transitioned into a queer friendly one.   Indian history is inclusive. From the Khajuraho temple architectures, to Konark to the Rig Veda, there is existing proofs even 2000 years ago of Indian inclusiveness of queer. It’s the draconian British law that criminalised it, which was scraped in 2009, came into effect once again following a sad judgement in 2013 and eventually was scraped off for good in 2018. I am in awe of the lawyers who fought this legal battle- colleagues and partners – Arundhati Katju

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