Thinking Out Loud ~ Once In a While


I don’t know what to write about. Well, there is a lot to write about though. The month of December 2018 brought in so many new experiences in my life, that I ought to write about them. But I don’t know where to begin. Well, for one, I am afraid. I am afraid that the tumultuous emotions that I have been long evading, ignoring, shutting out could overwhelm me before I could even attempt to put them in words coherently. I am afraid that the more I try to reason things, make sense of events that occurred, the more I would confuse myself. Maybe that’s the reason it has been difficult to write all these days, even when all I wanted to do was write- jot down all those thoughts that trespassed my conscious mind. I still don’t know what to type, where to start, but I’ll make an honest attempt. A vulnerably honest one.

The sound of typing feels so familiar. I wonder why I had been away from words and blogging for so long. Certain someone had said that I reside too much inside my own mind and that I must come out of it and spend more time in the reality, in the real world, talking to people, making friends and creating connections. Perhaps that statement had affected me so much that I had almost taken conscious steps so as not to pick up a book near me, lest I should get consumed in it, heart and mind. That statement held so much weight, I couldn’t even reason against it. I had taken decisions not to watch another rom-com or read another love story or invest time in tragic tales for the time being. In the process, I realize now, I let go of my depth, my reflective attitude, contemplative states, my very own thoughts or views, basically every single thing that made me, me. And how stupid I was to do so. How very stupid. Just to fit into someone’s idea of me. Just to get that validation from someone. How pathetic. When did I ever become too weak and needy? I disappoint myself.

When expectation meets reality, heartbreak happens. But I did dare greatly, you know. I did take that plunge out of my comfort zone. I did give it a chance when I didn’t trust it well. I learned that happiness isn’t in being someone else or pretending to enjoy things that you normally don’t, or in trying to change yourself in the most fundamental and intimate aspects. Happiness is in embracing your true vulnerable self, however unappreciated it is. People will always have several unfavorable adjectives to use for you. It will displease you. Make you sad. Those might be true as well. But once you try to change your core being, it’s like challenging the universe. The universe wants you, not someone’s imagined version of you.

At the end of it all, life is about numerous experiences. Heartbreaks and learnings. And for me the learning at the end of it all is to trust my gut feeling and intuition more, it’s more accurate than I ever give it credit for.

The new year would bring so many new experiences with it, so many heartbreaks too. I will try to be open to love and life, such experiences shouldn’t affect my nature or the depth of my being.

In this winter vacation, I explored so much of Dehradun. This city indeed has so much to offer.


  1. Writer's block is not only about when writers have nothing to write about but also about when they have plenty to write about and don't know where to begin. I completely understand your predicament. I've been there many times.

    I believe truth is spontaneous. If you want to be true with your writing, it should remain effortless. It must come from within. You need not to think about anything. You just have to start writing/typing, even without letting your thoughts interrupt you. It's indeed a daunting task, but I'm glad that you have the courage to be vulnerably honest.

    I completely agree with you that happiness lies in embracing your true vulnerable self, however unappreciated it is. And, it's also true that we are here to learn & grow, and every experience teaches us something.

    Pratikshya, I find your article mature, deep, & true, and I liked it very much. Stay blessed! :)

  2. Life has its own wierd way of teaching s and throwing on to us varied expereinces. All I can say is go with the flow and take one thing at a time .


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Queeristan by Parmesh Sahani

  Queeristan (Amazon Link) Thanks to Audible Free Trial I listened to this amazing non-fiction on LGBTQ inclusion in Indian workplaces. Author Parmesh Sahani identifies as gay Indian, working closely with Godrej higher management and employees for years to create an inclusive workplace, both legally and in spirit. This book is a result of those years of experience, research, collaboration with individuals from difference spectrum of the society and organizations who has successfully transitioned into a queer friendly one.   Indian history is inclusive. From the Khajuraho temple architectures, to Konark to the Rig Veda, there is existing proofs even 2000 years ago of Indian inclusiveness of queer. It’s the draconian British law that criminalised it, which was scraped in 2009, came into effect once again following a sad judgement in 2013 and eventually was scraped off for good in 2018. I am in awe of the lawyers who fought this legal battle- colleagues and partners – Arundhati Katju

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