Letters To My Ex

"Every Moment Was You"

(Letters in not so chronological order. Ramblings mostly.)

There will be a time when I am gone, when I have moved away and moved on. May be you will miss me. May be you will remember the days we spent together- the fun and frolic. But even then, you will gossip about me, the same way as you do now. You will gossip behind my back as if I am some mundane commodity, a purpose of your laughters and entertainment. You will speak about me, my life- the tit-bits and tattle-tales, with the purpose of entertaining others and yourself. For having some more laughs in a day- Laughter is the best vacation after all.

You don’t care it now, and you won’t care it then if I told you the umpteenth time that I don’t enjoy being talked about behind my back. My life stories are not yours to tell. You know my vulnerabilities and you take advantage of it without hesitation. May be I am just that to you- an entertaining story. You didn’t think of protecting my weaknesses when I needed you to be my shield. No, you didn’t defame me, nor did you make me feel humiliated. But I have felt inferior, small and negligible. Didn’t you know how miserable being the odd one out makes me feel? Didn’t you know about my insecurities? Then, why didn’t you care about it, when you called me your dearest? You don’t care, do you?

You say you don’t give a damn if people at all talk about you behind your back. You don’t care about it, and I think that’s cool. I think you are privileged. But let me clarify, I don’t chit-chat about you, if you at all wonder. I respect your privacy. And I have no one else to talk to. When I have to tell about you, I tell it to your face, laughing at you but also with you. I was not able to make many close friends, very much unlike you. It takes me time and energy to trust and be with people. So, I depended on you, considered you my emotional anchor, and valued you the most. And I expected something better in return. At least, a bit better.

Now that I have written it all, I feel at ease. I will not post it to you; I think it shall be of no use. May be you’ll say sorry a couple of times, but the same situation will repeat itself a few months later. After all, habits die hard, right. Right. So I would just write to vent my temper and stop feeling wretched.

Do have patience with these ramblings. They are matters of the heart.

Sometimes I feel I envy you for ever being so happy in life. I think I am jealous of you, but I’m not sure. May be I find you too perfect and want to be like you. I don’t really know. It’s confusing- all that stuff inside my head. I can’t differentiate- can’t analyze it. Whatever it is, I want you to know that I don’t like feeling thus. And I feel something inside me has changed for the worse. May be I’m becoming bad. I knew that I’m not all good, as everybody thinks, but the hard realization came very recently. And it hurts to know it, being aware of it.

When I am not able to read novels with that depth and interest that I used to, and I am not able to write my heart out, I feel as if I have lost connection with my own self. I feel that I don’t enjoy the ‘me-time’ as much as I used to. I once enjoyed solitude, and made the best out of it. But now-a-days I feel so lost. I wonder why.

 I liked painting- playing with colours, uninhibited and being unapologetic about it. I liked paper quilling too. But I don’t do that anymore. I am doing a lot of expressive writing, in my diary. I want to enjoy watching movies alone once again. I want to take a proper break, a long vacation from my routine life- to stop doing everything that I must, and just rediscover the joys and the beauty. I want to travel. I feel something very fundamental part of my being is changed, or broken, and I have no idea about it.

I think there’s something wrong with my emotions. I don’t cry in the most worrying, or anxious or sad moments; I don’t show signs of bother or care when the need be- I don’t know the appropriate way to act, or do things, on a situation of crisis- I don’t do as other expect me to- perhaps I don’t do anything at all- deciding itself and panicking takes up all the time.

You say there’s nothing rational in what I feel, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling it. I feel and I cry.

Sometimes I feel I am deliberately trying to find something to get dissatisfied with or upset about. A negativity magnet. May be unconsciously I am trying to create pessimism around me. Life is too short for holding grudges. Too short for anger.


Therefore now, for about a week or so, I am consciously trying to boost my positive attitude, enthusiasm, and trying out anger management. Yes, weird, but I think I need it, for my own self. The best thing I can gift myself, I have realized, is to try and live a happy life inspite of all that goes on around me. Ignoring made me numb and emotionally detached, perhaps accepting and acknowledging them yet trying to surpass them, may do me a lot better.

I am trying to face my weaknesses, and my fears. I am trying to be okay with my vulnerabilities and shortcomings. A smiling and a laughing face is contagious, but a moody one is just a spoiler. I have realized that. I need to think what I can give to a relationship rather than what I can get from it. Only that shall bring me peace of mind. I need to take care of things right now. I thought being aloof is better than being sensitive. So not right.

I realized that I had built many walls around myself. Of course I knew that. It was voluntary effort. But I hadn’t understood the magnitude of it. I was emotionally detached, yes, and a formality had seeped in our relationship. May be it was because I had no other option to avoid being hurt. I am such an emotionally vulnerable and sensitive person that I became a liability to your openness, frankness and freedom. I thought I was going far far away from you, I cried a lot thinking about it, but in the later months I tried to accept it. Acceptance is the only way to overcome the hurt that comes from expectation.

Inspite of all that I wrote above, I love you, and nothing in the world can change that. I feel blessed to have you in my life. You gave me a relationship that most people yearn to have, and some spend their entire lives without finding it. I just fear that I’m not compatible with you - I bring your energies down- I slow down your day when you are high and excited to live life to the fullest. You are so vivacious, therefore enjoy other’s company; but as I am so different and socially awkward unlike you, an odd ball of course.

*****

You are that person whose laughter is funnier than the joke. It’s from you that I learnt to love myself. You are the one person who sees through all my layers- understands what is fake, what is real, what is superficial and what is deep rooted. You love me inspite of all that I am. You make me feel I deserve lots of love, and care. You are my emotional anchor. You have helped me through those emotional upheavals which could destroy me. I feel blessed to have you in my life.

*****

It’s my birthday. But still I don’t feel excited about it. I’m triply excited in a friend’s birthday, and take active part in the celebration and surprises. But my own feels drab. I don’t know why. I don’t know whether I like surprises or not. Certain surprises that almost result in a burst of my emotions making me cry incessantly, making my face ugly and messy, are a big no. I have a love-hate relation with that kind of surprises. Small and sweet ones are good. They don’t threaten my reserve and stable self. I can’t risk getting overwhelmed with too many emotions. Laughter is good and fine, but others make my eyes red and nose run- a disgusting sight.

I envy people who are so excited for their birthdays. I don’t know how to be. May be I just need to pamper myself a bit more.

***********

Everything happens for a reason, even our break-up. We should believe, it is for our own well-being.

This separation is difficult for me. It’s just so difficult. I’m afraid for what the future shall bring too. I’ll miss you. I hope you shall not forget me. I dread being forgotten.

I have realized a hug a day keeps my mind and heart stable, and away from storms and chaos. 

I’m deep. I know that, people know that. But what they don’t know is that depth consists mostly of fears, phobias and insecurities.

*************


In life you cannot impress everyone. Nor can you expect everyone to consider you the centre of their lives. Just know that they love you. Be satisfied and happy for that one precious blessing. Are you wondering whether not being near a loved one would be considered as not caring? You should forgive yourself. Spare yourself from that guilt because the universe will make sure to send them your love and care in some way. Sometimes, you can’t just stand at the back wondering whether the person amidst the crowd in front needs you or not. You have to go there and find out, fearing all the while perhaps the person doesn’t need you. These insecurities need to be faced. You need to understand and put it in your conscious and subconscious mind that those who love you always acknowledge your presence, even if they don’t show it, they are happy that you are present. Many people may touch their lives, many people may mean a lot to them, but the place you have in their hearts won’t be replaced by another- the hearts may grow, the rooms may multiply but your corner will always be yours.

Sometimes love needs to be vocal. Not everyone understands the language of silence. Not everyone knows that love of a kind likes hiding behind. Good it is to express, but, this love knows it not.

Farewell.