Thoughts in Bits and Pieces

Life goes on.

Time accelerates; it never makes a reverse journey. Past is past- lost forever? It can only be alive in the memories and albums and diaries. We possess so many things sometimes, all that make us remember the past, both happy and sad times. Slam books, hall tickets, bills, posters, autograph books, write-ups, and pages from an old notebook, gift wrappers, pen caps, pencil stubs, blunt sharpeners… and many more. We are emotional beings. Family, friends, and all the things that give us emotional support are close to our heart. The pet dog that gives a peaceful company in the daily evening stroll, the roses in the garden- we cling to almost every little pleasure as if it is our last bit of happiness.


There are certain things in this world- certain things in particular that make me take deep breathe. Things that make me feel immense awe and wonder…thrill ecstasy…

Those that make me feel the unknown…a feeling of joy so profound that…’s indescribable….

The mere mention of desert brings back so many memories in a sudden flash …that makes my stomach feel empty…and a vacuum gets created in my heart… so many faces play in my mind. Faces that have a deep emotional connection.


I know I live in the world of fantasies…vivid imaginations and abstract world of virtuality. My fantasies are more potent, more tangible and ultimately more trustworthy than the real world experiences. I feel alive there and dead when I am made to return to this world- the world of practicality and reality.

You may appreciate a novel you read for its language, description, themes, character sketches, the plot itself, etc. but it will never affect you so deeply; will never be in your mind in your everyday life. But if you have taken yourself as a character in it, then it will. It will deeply influence your thoughts. And I don’t know whether it is for the good or for the worse.

The things that made me so happy in the past now don’t matter to me. Family times get together, friends gossips, parties ceremonies…all seem so vexing to me now. I realised recently that I am running away from happiness. After analysing my own mind and the thoughts dwelling there, I have come to this conclusion that I am actually running away or rather escaping from happiness.

I cling to that one pleasure, that one happiness for emotional support and running away from the rest. May be the fear of losing what I like makes me dislike the thing altogether. I feel uneasy, insecure now a days when I find myself in surroundings (events, atmosphere) that used to fill me with joy in the past. May be the fact that it too will end, makes me feel so- the fact that I cannot depend on it permanently for emotional support…. Sometimes it’s very difficult for me to understand myself. It’s like I have become a recluse.


Queeristan by Parmesh Sahani

  Queeristan (Amazon Link) Thanks to Audible Free Trial I listened to this amazing non-fiction on LGBTQ inclusion in Indian workplaces. Author Parmesh Sahani identifies as gay Indian, working closely with Godrej higher management and employees for years to create an inclusive workplace, both legally and in spirit. This book is a result of those years of experience, research, collaboration with individuals from difference spectrum of the society and organizations who has successfully transitioned into a queer friendly one.   Indian history is inclusive. From the Khajuraho temple architectures, to Konark to the Rig Veda, there is existing proofs even 2000 years ago of Indian inclusiveness of queer. It’s the draconian British law that criminalised it, which was scraped in 2009, came into effect once again following a sad judgement in 2013 and eventually was scraped off for good in 2018. I am in awe of the lawyers who fought this legal battle- colleagues and partners – Arundhati Katju

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