Are You a Sponge- Just Like Me ?

I can perhaps pick up vibes and aura of the people around me- as if I am a sponge. I just tend to know who thinks what about me. I just know who dislikes me, disgusts me, hates me, likes me, loves me, bears contempt for me, is jealous of me, is surprised/ intrigued/ annoyed or disappointed by me. I hate it. I hate this knowing. It makes me so uncomfortable. It is to my advantage, I know, but still, it is so uncomfortable and sad.

Every time I get that look from my current teammate, I can sense his mocking dislike and absolute ignorance of me, even from the farthest end of the floor. It makes me question my own identity, my importance, and whether I am that negligible. This feeling of a fleeting moment enlarges inside my mind and results in an entire day of discomfort. I don’t know any way of detachment, other than ignoring it altogether, which is very difficult. A cry break does me good, but the chain of events repeat themselves again some other day.

Maybe it’s because I am too quiet for a corporate professional, even though a fresher. I am almost always quiet; perpetually afraid when talking to seniors; and almost a social sabotage in team parties where I just smile, listen, and laugh. I am so much overwhelmed by the number of people that I just can’t seem to add anything valid or interesting to the conversations going on.

But then, only when you are rubbed you discover your own strengths. Only through discomfort and tension can you improve, when your patience and resolve is tested.

Here’s hoping everything goes well in the end. Everything happens for a reason. When I look back after years, I hope I can connect these dots.


Queeristan by Parmesh Sahani

  Queeristan (Amazon Link) Thanks to Audible Free Trial I listened to this amazing non-fiction on LGBTQ inclusion in Indian workplaces. Author Parmesh Sahani identifies as gay Indian, working closely with Godrej higher management and employees for years to create an inclusive workplace, both legally and in spirit. This book is a result of those years of experience, research, collaboration with individuals from difference spectrum of the society and organizations who has successfully transitioned into a queer friendly one.   Indian history is inclusive. From the Khajuraho temple architectures, to Konark to the Rig Veda, there is existing proofs even 2000 years ago of Indian inclusiveness of queer. It’s the draconian British law that criminalised it, which was scraped in 2009, came into effect once again following a sad judgement in 2013 and eventually was scraped off for good in 2018. I am in awe of the lawyers who fought this legal battle- colleagues and partners – Arundhati Katju

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