Are You a Sponge- Just Like Me ?
I can perhaps pick up vibes and aura of the people around me- as if I am a sponge. I just tend to know who thinks what about me. I just know who dislikes me, disgusts me, hates me, likes me, loves me, bears contempt for me, is jealous of me, is surprised/ intrigued/ annoyed or disappointed by me. I hate it. I hate this knowing. It makes me so uncomfortable. It is to my advantage, I know, but still, it is so uncomfortable and sad.
Every time I get that look from my current teammate, I can sense his mocking dislike and absolute ignorance of me, even from the farthest end of the floor. It makes me question my own identity, my importance, and whether I am that negligible. This feeling of a fleeting moment enlarges inside my mind and results in an entire day of discomfort. I don’t know any way of detachment, other than ignoring it altogether, which is very difficult. A cry break does me good, but the chain of events repeat themselves again some other day.
Maybe it’s because I am too quiet for a corporate professional, even though a fresher. I am almost always quiet; perpetually afraid when talking to seniors; and almost a social sabotage in team parties where I just smile, listen, and laugh. I am so much overwhelmed by the number of people that I just can’t seem to add anything valid or interesting to the conversations going on.
But then, only when you are rubbed you discover your own strengths. Only through discomfort and tension can you improve, when your patience and resolve is tested.
Here’s hoping everything goes well in the end. Everything happens for a reason. When I look back after years, I hope I can connect these dots.